back to the basics
At heart, I am an analyst. My attention to detail is useful in my line of work (investments), where I am often in a sea of numbers. It also comes in handy for me as a musician. I love being surrounded by sound and enjoy identifying the minute differences in shades of colors embedded in a beautiful tone. It’s the detail-oriented mind that allows me to appreciate the complexities in life, but it is also a hurdle to appreciating the simple truths. In short, I tend to make things complicated.
Jeff’s survival in March of 2022 was such a dramatic event in our lives, that we are, or at least I am still reeling from it. A stupefied and speechless face with jaw dropped to the floor describes how I spent the 6 months since the emergency surgery. “I can’t believe you’re still here,” “I can’t believe you are here to tell me that lame joke,” “I can’t believe that I am hearing this lame joke right now and laughing at it…” I am still speechless. But out of sheer gratitude for the blessing we have been given, for a second chance at life for Jeff, and for another chance to fall in love again, I have been thinking about why this happened to us, and what we are supposed to do with this undeserved gift. A good friend, who went through an ordeal similar to ours told me that it takes time to process it. So I am taking my time, and trying not to make things complicated.
The first thing I felt was the unmistakable thumbprint of God on how the events unfolded. Because I tend to make everything complicated (and therefore, am prone to rationalizations), God made it so clear and simple for me to see: everything was out of our control, and only God was in control. God knew that I would otherwise go down the rabbit hole of “well, in actuality, there is an “x” probability that yada yada could happen, and blah blah blah.” Yeah, I am really that annoying. (For details on everything that contributed to Jeff’s survival, please visit What is a miracle). I have always believed in God, but for some reason in March of 2022, He decided to make himself known to us in this way.
Since then, I have been praying “please help me figure out what we are supposed to do with this blessing.” The first step was to share this incredible story. Then what else? What else am I supposed to do? Six months later, I still have no idea. I have such strong conviction, and I am fired up. Isn’t there something we are supposed to do with this second chance?
On Labor Day weekend, I went to church alone because Jeff was already in Europe, touring with the orchestra. That day, it hit me that perhaps God simply desired to be closer to us. That He wanted a closer, more meaningful relationship with us. Like a parent to His children. Shepherd to His flock. Maybe it’s not about what we are supposed to do, but about the nature of our relationship with God. Isn’t that why anyone would make himself known, loud and clear? Hello! I am here, right in front of you… unmistakably. The profound simplicity hit me like a ton of bricks. Duh! Isn’t that supposed to be the basics of Christianity? I was making it too complicated all along.
In my life’s timeline, the year 2022 is an absolute pivot in my faith… it is the year when I learned what it means to have conviction. So I think we will spend many years peeling this onion. But the place to start, the foundation of meaning behind our experience was not about something I should do. The cornerstone is a stronger, closer relationship with God. Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). I just need to be still. How simple and beautiful.