I remember those months and weeks surrounding our first encounter with Maris. We met the parents in May of 2011 when we drove down to North Carolina to the farm where she would be born and put our name down for a girl. We were told that the next litter would probably not have our puppy and that we would be up for the next litter due in October. Thank you! We said and drove off to Duke University where I was scheduled to sing something… I cannot remember. I think it was Mahler 4.
We were in Ireland on our belated honeymoon in early June when we found out that indeed, there was no girl puppy for us in that litter. I remember reading the news in the hotel room in Dublin, wondering what those little munchkins were like… tiny little Entles with eyes closed wanting to be fed. Those little fur balls! It wasn’t until a few weeks later that Jeff got the call saying that a family who was supposed to take one of the puppies from that litter could no longer take her. The puppy is ours if we wanted and were ready. Absolutely yes! We could pick her up as soon as the week of July 12th, when she reached 8 weeks old. Darn! We were going to be in New York that week… so it would have to be the week after. I fretted a little about missing that one week in her life.
Jeff and I went to visit our friends in CT before the orchestra schedule began in NYC in mid-July. They were amazing people who loved and supported the arts in their community, but I am afraid that I went on and on too much about the predicament I was in at that time. I was unhappy as a musician, as a professor, and I was lost (see Life with Maris: Part 2). They listened with so much patience and offered much sought advice during a very stressful time in my career. But while I had supportive friends, I didn’t know how to control my stress level. While hanging out at the pool, I noticed bumps that looked like blisters going down the inside of my left leg. Hmmm, what are those, I wondered.
By the time Jeff and I made it to New York City, those blisters had gotten worse. They didn’t hurt at all, but you could definitely see more of them popping up along my leg. I was determined to have fun, and since I am an overachiever, I had loads of fun in the city. But in the back of my mind, I was really worried so I made an appointment with the doctor at the Cleveland Clinic before Jeff and I were scheduled to drive down to NC to pick up the puppy. By the morning of the appointment, I was limping. The pain wasn’t with the blisters but down my whole leg. The doctor was no nonsense, and after two nanoseconds of seeing my leg, she said, “Oh, you have shingles!” Shingles? Isn’t that what older people get? I am 33 years old! She asked me, “are you going through anything stressful in particular?” “like what?” I asked, since life is one giant stress ball to begin with. “Oh, you know like a big exam or a job interview.” I said, no, but the truth was that I knew I was under more stress than any exam or interview had ever given me. I had gotten lost in my life’s journey. I had lost my voice.
She sent me home with some antivirals, and the next thing I knew, Jeff and I drove south to meet the new puppy. I was excited about the dog, but also mixed with other emotions. How could I do this to my body? How could I let a career and the institutions surrounding it impact my health? What is this all for anyway? Jeff and I made it to NC on that Monday night, and we stayed at a hotel. I remember our excitement at the prospect of meeting the puppy the next day and driving back home. But deep inside, I was so torn and confused.
I remember driving to the farm where Maris was born. I remember the gates opening to let us in. The first thing I saw was a golden retriever playing with a small puppy. That was the first sighting of Maris… that little puppy playing with the older dog, becoming “socialized,” so joyful, so playful. I limped my way toward her, scooped her up, put her in my arms, and her paws never touched North Carolinian soil again. We drove back, Maris sitting on my lap for most of the way, gracing my shingles-laden leg with her tiny hiney. I think of that ride back 11 years later, and the significance of that moment is not lost on me. My mind, heart, and even my body felt so broken, and during that ride, I had no clue what healing was in store for me and that I was actually holding it right on my lap.